Tuesday, April 12, 2016
I bought this little guy from a local charity shop as a reminder that I am a fighter.
“We are healed of a suffering only by experiencing it to the full.” – Marcel Proust
In retrospect, I think that engaging in dialogue with my mum which I knew, deep down, was only going to cause me distress, had been a self-sabotaging act: Even though I have compassion for myself, there’s a part of me that isn’t comfortable with long periods of feeling happy and relaxed – and OCD has served the purpose of perpetually ‘putting me in my place’. I really am done with feeling this shit and guilty, though, but am having to dig really deep to find the strength to identify and override this urge to self-destruct.
I’ve worked hard on my OCD, ‘Walk down the street in trainers / shoes / boots without checking behind me for blood or contaminated needles, and don’t seek reassurance from my partner, Jan, or write down that I hadn’t been contaminated by anything on the pavement’ to reduce the anxiety it provokes in me (especially when wearing lightweight trainers) to a SUDS level of 0. Also, without as much conscious effort, I’ve been able to prevent myself from compulsively having to write down / ask Jan for reassurance that I haven’t deleted and deleted again any important emails.
Even though I’ve got these obsessions under control, I realize that the anxiety and intrusive thoughts I experience in relation to doing these activities are always going to be there to a lesser or greater degree - and that now I must, to keep up the momentum, push myself to move on to the next exposure.
As I’d predicted, this journey to recovery is bringing up a jumble of traumatic memories, nightmares featuring my father and conflicted feelings, which I could use some help with, so this week I’ll explore a couple of support outlets for victims of abuse I’ve been told about.
The BBC (in England) aired the documentary, Abused – The Untold Story, about the DJ Jimmy Savile: It’s really positive how nowadays, the voices of victims of sexual abuse are being heard and taken more seriously.
At one point I became despairing about the new OCDs my brain is creating to replace the ones I’ve just conquered. Janet Singer brilliantly describes this ‘replacement OCDs’ happening in her blog: ocdtalk: 'Just right' OCD. That evening, exhausted, I took myself off to bed at 9 pm: I’m finding complete rest essential when I hit a all-time low.