Tuesday, May 10, 2016


The horizon at Southend, Essex: I'm feeling the need to step outside my tiny world and do something different and exciting in the face of uncertainty.

"Hold the vision. Trust the process." - Actress, media trainer and irrepressible dreamer, Barbara Niven 

It was my parents’ birthdays this week, which made me think about how painful, confusing and impossible my relationship with them feels like, and time is falling away with no peaceful resolution in sight.

I don’t want to exit this life with any serious regrets, and part of me wants to meet up in person with my mum after six years, because despite everything, I still care about her. I need support to do this, however, and today I filled in and returned the referral form to Nia; East London Rape Crisis for one-to-one counselling and access to their advocacy services: Finger crossed!

So far as doing ERP is concerned, I’ve had some days off before working on my next OCD: Right now I feel exhausted, directionless and passionless because I think I’m trying to do too many things (and not getting very far with any of them in career terms).

The most important thing at the end of the day, though, is that I’m so much better OCD-wise than I was at Christmas, and have been able to consistently keep under the radar the four OCDs I’ve done exposures on: I have to remind myself that there is nothing more important than one's health, and hopefully the hard work I'm doing now will enable me to experience a happier, more spontaneous future.

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