Monday, August 1, 2016

EXHAUSTED

A photo entitled 'Pansy at dusk' I took on my allotment last month: Life seems to be happening to me at such a pace that I have no time to just 'be'.

This week I felt unwell with a nasty mosquito bite, HMRC reckoned that they'd overpaid me (through no fault of my own) so I must now live like a pauper on the low wage I earn as a musician, and my counselling session with T. left me with a lots to process. As a consequence of this and of working extra hours to cover my bills, I've had no time for ERP.

I continued not to pander to the compulsions that accompany the obsessions I've already tackled, however, but some days it was easier to do this than on others.

With a couple of the OCDs I thought I'd got under control, I recognized that I still have some work to do, for example regarding my obsession that I could poison my cat's food and water, I hardly ever seek reassurance that I haven't done this anymore, but I do avoid going into the room where his food is and won't look at it for fear that doing this will trigger the intrusive thought that I've poisoned him without remembering I've done so. I must now do an exposure where I make myself go into this room and stay there until the anxiety lessens.

My plan to give myself one full day off a week in order to relax, is proving too hard to follow through with: I find not working so stressful, and in my head I'm always chastising myself for the hours I've failed to work because often I'm too tired.

I'm always on the go; performing, commuting back and forth from London, working on my allotment, practising my instruments, catching up on a backlog of writing projects... and now, despite trying to deal with my OCD and past trauma, I feel pressured to do even more to bring money in and all the time I won't be actually moving forward with my life. It all feels like too much...

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