I decided that I can cut down even further on my diary writing: All of the interactions I've had online will stay there, and I can now trust in my memory enough to remember that friends of mine have 'liked' my posts, and to feel that their care for me is real. My friend, Ralph King died suddenly last month. This made me realise how much of my precious time I've wasted writing EVERYTHING down (holding onto things with such a tight grip that I haven't been free enough to simply live my life).
My OCD is quite bad at the moment (fearing that I'll have poisoned my pet tortoise, Trevor's bath water, and checking the pavement for contaminated needles). In addition I'm having awful nightmares most nights to do with missing out on golden opportunities and people vomiting / being out of control or dying around me. I'm aware that all this is because I'm still determined to make the personal and professional changes I need to grow more as an artist and a person. Sticking to my yoga and meditation practices are helping to counteract all the awfulness.
Instead of always going over past events in my diary, the daily noting down of positive affirmations is helping me to look to the future: Consequently, I'm forgetting on occasion to ask Jan for reassurance that I haven't been raped, attacked or contaminated whenever I leave the house. I guess that going out into the world is no longer the ordeal it once was and it's months since I've compulsively written down any reassurances to myself.
I'd like to thank my friend, Manya Zuba for her continued support throughout this journey.