Tuesday, May 8, 2018


'Buddy' by me.

Maybe the fact that I haven't posted in a long while on this blog is indicative of the fact that my OCD / PTSD symptoms are no longer taking centre stage in my life: They're there, of course, at every turn, but having deepened my meditation practice with Aprille Walker over the past five months, I've discovered tools such as breathing meditations, which are helping me gain more perspective and control over my anxiety.

Yoga and meditation teacher, Aprille, has also become a close friend of mine due to us having much in common both in a professional and a personal sense: We're able to talk about things we've rarely shared or explored with others, which has made me feel not so alone in the world. My new cat, Buddy (above, who I adopted from the allotment site I work at), also brings me great comfort and is a great educator in the art of 'just being' and not stressing over what should be getting done.

I'm more mindful of certain activities, such as social media, that I can obsess over in an unhealthy way, so I've actually deactivated my Facebook account (preferring just to message my friends instead). My interactions with people in person and with my garden feel much more real and substantial than most of my interactions in cyberspace, so I choose to focus on those.

My OCD / PTSD symptoms are triggered hugely by members of my estranged family (especially my dad), who despite knowing I want no contact, continue to stalk me in any way they think will provoke a reaction. I refuse to grant them the satisfaction of believing they can control me from a distance like they did when I was growing up, but knowing that they're never going to stop, tips me into an intense need to control my immediate environment by checking appliances, the pavement, etc.. It's practically impossible for me to heal under these circumstances, but yoga continues to provide me with a safe haven which I'm enormously grateful for, plus gardening keeps me grounded and uplifted.

I just wish I had more people in my life who I could talk with about my OCD / PTSD, as most people I mention it to continue to ignore it... pretend it doesn't exist. At least this blog has afforded me the space to reflect on how far I've come in attempting to free myself from this disorder's hellish grip.

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